To Forgive, or Not to Forgive

If you look up “forgiveness” on the internet, you will come across thousands of articles and videos about it; and invariably you will find numerous contradictory views on it. Some say forgiveness is important for having good relationships, while others say that one should never forgive others’ mistakes. Some say you should forgive ASAP, others say that you should forgive only when you feel like it. Confusing, right?

It is important to understand that contradictions are often because every person has their own life experience and their own way of defining a certain word. Those who dislike the idea of forgiving others often reason that if one forgives those who have wronged them, the person may take advantage of them, and continue hurting them. One also has the fear of appearing weak in front of others. All these points are valid and need to be considered. However, there is something else that we must consider.

Inner Forgiveness vs Outer Forgiveness

The great Spiritual Teacher Ramakrishna Paramhansa once narrated a story to His disciples. It goes somewhat like this –

Once upon a time, there was a saint who was passing by a certain village, when he chanced upon a dangerous snake, who was wreaking havoc amongst the villagers by biting anybody and everybody he came across. The saint went to the snake and politely taught him about non-injuriousness and requested him not to bite people (how the snake understood the saint’s words is left to the readers’ imagination).

After a few weeks, when the saint returned to the village, he noticed that the snake was being beaten by everybody and was on the verge of death. He rushed to the snake and enquired the reason behind his condition. The snake explained how he had listened to his advice, and was now facing the wrath of the villagers, since they were not scared of him anymore (yes, the snake could apparently speak, since it’s just an imaginary story!). The saint replied, “I asked you not to bite, but you can still hiss”!  

To stop biting is inner forgiveness. To stop hissing is outer forgiveness. According to Master Choa Kok Sui, inner forgiveness needs to be practiced for all cases, though it may often be difficult. Outer forgiveness depends on a case-to-case basis. One may need to be outwardly firm or take strict action at times, to protect oneself or others around them, or to prevent somebody from committing serious mistakes or crimes. Sometimes, one may need to distance oneself from another person for their mental, emotional and physical safety (for example, cases of intentional crimes, violence, mental or physical abuse, etc). But there is no need to hold on to anger and hatred towards the person for months, years or even the entire lifetime.

By no means does this imply that one cannot feel anger or hatred. If someone hurts us badly or commits a serious crime against us, it is natural to feel angry. But it is important to process the anger and learn healthy ways of expressing the emotion of anger, rather than becoming destructive or going to the other extreme of bottling up the anger and letting it fester within for years, which often shows up as serious illness. Once you are able to process the anger, it gently needs to be released so that you can be free from the emotional baggage. One of the best ways to release this anger is by practicing inner forgiveness.

Reasons for practicing Inner Forgiveness

1. For Inner Peace & Happiness ­– Think about somebody who you dislike or hate. How do you feel when you think about them? Do you feel good? Is it a feeling you want to live with for the rest of your life? If not, you need to forgive the person, because inner forgiveness is for YOU! Whether the person was right or wrong is not as important as choosing inner peace and happiness for ourself.

2. For Good Health and Inner Healing – Many of the chronic and severe health issues tend to arise due to supressed anger and emotions. Very often, we tend to think that we have forgiven a person, but this forgiveness may just be an outward expression, without practicing inner forgiveness.It is important to remind ourselves that outer forgiveness is not sufficient; it is inner forgiveness that is important.

We have often experienced and encountered people who have experienced drastic improvements in health by practicing inner forgiveness.

3. For Harmonious Relationships – As per Master Choa Kok Sui, when two objects are at a distance, there is no friction; it is only when they come in contact with each other that friction arises, and is also inevitable. The same goes for human beings. If you think about it, the most difficult relationships you have would be with ones you are closest to and spend most time with. This is the friction which we had mentioned. The way to overcome friction is to apply the lubricant of love! One of the ways to continue loving a person inspite of regular conflicts, misunderstandings and differences of opinion, is to regularly practice inner forgiveness towards the person.

We would like to reemphasize that here, we are referring to regular conflicts which may arise between 2 people who are otherwise loving and respectful towards each other.In cases of abuse and violence, being loving may be difficult, but it is still essential to inwardly forgive, although external distance may be necessary at times. It is important to have compassion and empathy towards victims of abuse and crime, rather than expecting them to be loving and forgiving right away. Once they are in a safe and protected environment, we can gently and patiently encourage them to practice inner forgiveness for their own peace of mind.

4. For Spiritual Growth – Some spiritual practitioners tend to ignore the role of emotions for spiritual growth. But spiritual growth encompasses growth in all aspects of life – physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual. By practicing inner forgiveness, one can attain inner freedom and rapid spiritual progress.

5. To Neutralize Negative Karma – The Law of Karma states that “as you sow, so shall you reap.” This implies that whatever thoughts, words and actions we produce will come back to us many times.  If our thoughts, words and deeds are kind, we receive kindness; if they are injuriousness, we receive injury in return. Since we all a combination of good and bad qualities, we are bound to make mistakes, which generate negative karma. As per Master Choa Kok Sui, the Law of Forgiveness supersedes the Law of Karma and can be utilized to neutralize negative karma. This is because as per the Law of Karma, when we forgive others for their faults, we receive forgiveness for our errors too, which helps in neutralizing some of our negative karma. Once the negative karma is neutralized, it can help us overcome challenges in our lives.

Techniques for Inner Forgiveness

We may understand the importance of inner forgiveness, but the moment you see the person you dislike in front of your eyes, you may just forget all about it!

Here are a few simple ways which can help you forgive people.

1. Meditation on Twin Hearts – Twin Hearts Meditation is an advanced meditation that helps us generate emotions of peace, love and forgiveness within us. It also has a gradual cleansing effect on our emotions like stress, trauma, grief and anger. By practicing this meditation regularly, we can release and heal the suppressed anger within us.

2. Writing – Inspite of practicing Twin Hearts Meditation, certain relationships may take a toll on us, and need extra attention. For such cases, we can accompany the Meditation on Twin Hearts with certain specific forgiveness techniques. One of them is to write down the feelings of hurt, pain and anger towards the person on a piece of paper. The purpose is not to criticize the person, but to express our emotions and externalize them on the piece of paper. Once you’re done, burn the paper. Burning the paper is symbolic of releasing the anger.

3. Blessing ­– One of the best ways to forgive a person is to bless them. Yes, you read it right! Blessing a person who has hurt you can help you forgive them more easily because not only do you choose to forgive the person, you are also generating feelings of peace, love and kindness towards them, which makes it easier for you to forgive them. You may resist this in the beginning, but continue for a few days and you will gradually be able to feel the love towards the person, and start forgiving them.

Make a list of all the people who have hurt you, and one by one, bless them with love, peace, harmony, good health, prosperity and wisdom. Continue doing this for the next few minutes till you feel a sense of relief, and repeat this daily till you reach a stage where you can speak to the person without getting emotionally agitated. Begin with 1 or 2 people, and as you get healed and are able to forgive them, move ahead in the list and continue. Try it for a few days, and you will notice your internal state and your life transforming for the better!

Click here for a guided forgiveness practice.